Thursday, October 18, 2007
I've been thinking about how I've been living life lately, because something didn't feel quite right, like something is missing y'know? Then I thought to myself, when was the last time i thought about God? Sure, I've started going for dance, but I wasn't there 100% spiritually, i was merely going through the movements, and it wasn't enough.
So I've found my missing thing - God.
It's strange how I much i cannot do without Him in my life. Well, it isn't meant to be strange i guess. It's what we were created for right? To have that relationship with Him, and worship Him with everything that we do. To be so dependent on Him that to leave Him is so hard. (Well, i s'pose it can be quite easy for some) Yet, I still stray. Time and time again I've disappointed Him, and time and time again I run back to Him in tears and apologies and a renewed determination to stay faithful.
I guess this time, I've been pushing God away because I cannot bear to sacrifice my time. I can't seem to give it up for Him yet, not completely. I'm too scared, too selfish to do so. Some of you might not know this yet, but I've made to decision to dance for Him. Yeah, I return to the dance ministry. However, aunty Patsy has made me realise that dance is a commitment of time. How i wish i lived in the past, where i would have had a LOT of it. But I'm only 17! It's bad enough that I have JC to deal with =( I want my slacking time, my shopping time, my being with friends time, time for me me ME! Selfish I know, but I'm still young! Why can't I live a little bit more first?? Then devote the rest of my life later. =l
Though, now i know how it feels to live without God (once again) and I DON'T LIKE IT!!! =((( It's awful. I feel sooo....
alone. The empty missing feeling is such a not nice thing to feel please. So I'm doing it, I'm going to return to living for God. But I know it's not going to be easy. God knows how long it took for me to finally be on regular QT. =S Nevertheless, I AM DETERMINED. At least I'm living with some purpose in my life, though it means I'll have to give up on a lot of things, I'm sure. Oh well, I'll get busy
one day, eventually. Hah.
This reminds me of the book Evan gave me, a diary series of this girl. I've forgotten her name though. But she has spoken of this kinda situation. Actually, I don't think she encountered this just once. I guess we all are like that. It just amazes me how merciful God is, and the amount of love He has for us.
I'm sorry Lord, for ignoring You. It sucks not having You around. I've decided, I want to give my all for You. Help me to make time for You Lord, to remember the joy in serving You. Thank You for Your neverending love. In Jesus' name, Amen.
